Drunken Hot Girl?

Was reading My Life's a Flic (a funny ass dude that doesn't update his blog NEARLY enough for me) and he had this post...dumb drunk shit that LITERALLY made me LOL:

To top my list of dumb drunk shit, I have tried a couple times to open the door of the house with my car remote. Yeah, I know. I stood there pressing open, expecting the back door to fly open. I've also waken up on the side of roads and highways with no clue of how I got there or why I was there. I've sent my brother into the spot to get me a slice of pizza and driven home to go to sleep before he came out. I've waken up drunk and gone to work in the morning plenty times. I have gotten so drunk that I couldn't see and called the wrong chick. I tried to fight a cop downtown a couple towns. AG saved me once. J Hite saved me twice. I hate cops, but that's another entry in itself. I've peed on car door handles when the weather was below freezing so the piss would solidify on them, don't judge me. I've called my ex a celeberity's name. I do not remember which one. Compared to other's, I'm just average. I know a dude who got faded and kissed a random crackhead bum in Philly. I know a drummer for a band, who actually has a video on MTV now, who woke up drunk in Virginia with a tattoo across all of his fingers. It says HOPELESS, of all things. He still doesn't even know the tattoo spot that he went to, to get it done. My boy tried to kill his cat with a plastic spoon. My other boy went a fair one with his mother. I know a girl who passed out in her car, threw up and peed on herself. I know a dude who passed out in the club bathroom, and shitted on himself. I know best friends who got drunk and fought each other in front of the cops. The fight escalated from a dumb ass argument over who was more drunk. I know someone who jumped from his bedroom window and broke his arm. One night stands with someone you normally wouldn't be caught in the same crowded room with. My boy sat with a bad one at the bar of a club and spit game while spitting up. How you throw up and holla at someone, I don't know, but it happened. The wildest and funniest shit that I have done, I do not remember. I've waken up to many times to stories about the shit that I did the night before. I woke up one morning limping. Pause, but my ass cheeks and right heel was hurting. Get you fucking head out the gutter right now. A couple hours later I get text messages asking me if I'm alright because I fell down the stairs something crazy. I woke up on my brother's couch one afternoon, asked him how we got there and he said I drove. He also said that I drive better drunk than sober. (I doubt it, but I don't remember). I was also told that I started smashing a girl in the passenger seat, at the gas station, while my boy went in to pay for some gas. When he got back, I didn't stop. SMH, once again, don't judge me.


This made me remember my funniest (or saddest depending on which way you look at it) drunk moment (believe me there are a few...but this is by far the most memorable)...

My friend...we'll call her Nola hit me up about 7 or 8 one night, I was home on winter break from my freshman year of college, it was probably a week or so before Christmas...anywho, Nola calls me up and says:

"Hey, you wanna go get drunk with Gilly and Fats?" she asks.

"They paying?" I ask.

"Of course!" she says.

"Okay cool, come scoop." I say

She picks me up...we drive the 20 minutes to the "seedier" side of town and end up in a house that doesn't belong to Gilly or Fats...I don't care though, they got the liquor and I'm drinking (how stupid of me). So we go in the house, chit chat for awhile while Gilly gets the liquor. He comes out the kitchen with 4 glasses and a big ass bottle of Paul Masson. Everybody gets a glass...I finish mine off first.

Did I mention I was drinking that nasty ass shit straight no chaser like it was fucking Kool-Aid? I mean he poured me a glass of maybe 4 ounces or so and I'm drinking that like it tastes good...blech!

So Nola's is still sitting there...she's occasionally sipping on the shit.

"You better come on! I know you ain't gonna let me show you up are you?" I taunt.

"Yall got some coke or something to mix this with? I can't drink it straight." She almost whines which made me aggravated cause this heffa was far from a girly girl...she was damn near butch! And here she was whining...even though little girly me finished my drink off...maybe it was the alcohol that made me more so aggravated, but anyway, back to the story...Gilly replies:

"Nah, we ain't got shit to mix it with." She rolls her eyes, I roll mine too cause she acting all fucking "high siddity" as they say here (whatever that means) and say:

"You want me to drink it?" She nods her head yes and hands me the drink...another 4 ounces down the hatch.

"You want another one?" Gilly asks me, I nod my head and hand him my glass...another 4 ounces down the drain.

We sitting around talking laughing for a bit and I see the room begin to swirl a bit but I'm cool.

"You want another one?" Gilly asks me again, again I nod my head and hand him my glass...another 4 ounces outta there like a homerun.

So Fats (with his fat ass...you ever notice a real fat person's legs when they standing up? How it looks like an 'A' that starts at their knees? Like how does that happen? Anyway, that was Fats fat ass) decides he's hungry...now at this point I'm thinking I'm good, I hadn't noticed how much everybody else had drank but I figured it wasn't more than me seeing as though the entire time I was there a glass was to my mouth most of the time and mostly while that was occurring, I heard everybody else talking...but anyway at this point we all get up and you know what happens next...

BAM!

The drunkness hit me like a 2x4 in the face! I was WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY more drunk than I had anticipated I was...

Did I mention I drank on an empty stomach? No food all day? Yeah, I was one smart cookie huh?

So I'm stumbling to the car...I think Fats was driving...we head up to the Subway up the block, I don't even remember going into the fucking Subway, but apparently I did...the next thing I remember is sitting in the backseat of the car I was in (possibly Fats), Nola is in the front on the phone with her momma and Fats and Gilly are nowhere in sight. The reason I woke up is apparently I got Fats to get me a sub....a tuna sub...and that smell was wafting in my nose making my stomach turn something FIERCE!

I sit straight up in the backseat (cause I was hunched over to the left) and start shaking my head from side to side in a slow motion as I try to talk myself out of throwing up.

"Suck it up bitch...you not gonna punk out and throw up! You got this...you got this under control."

Nola turns around after putting the phone on mute...

"Will you shut the fuck up bitch, my momma hears you!"

I try to be quiet but I'm really fighting the fucking vomit rising in my throat...about a minute later I open the car door and throw up...whilst this is happening I hear Nola tell her mother:

"Nah, Epitome isn't throwing up, she's just being stupid, Epitome stop it ::nervous laughter::...she's so crazy."

I'm still throwing up...a minute or two later she gets off the phone, by this time I'm out the car getting myself together...I feel a million times better, I wipe my mouth, leave that God forsaken sandwich in the car and chew some gum...we go in the house...I realize that we not at the first house we were at...this one was nicer than the first one, I hear somebody say it's Gilly's house...so we sitting there and they talking...the room starts spinning for me again...

"Imma earl." I say then cover my mouth and wait for somebody to bring me a trashcan...Gilly does, he pushes my head into the trashcan,

"Don't you fucking throw up on my momma's rug" he says,

I close my eyes and wait to blow chunks...it doesn't happen...at this point I open my eyes and realize my whole head is in the trashcan...and it's a big ass trashcan. I pick my head up and look at it...

"Was this in your kitchen?" I asked perplexed, Gilly looks at me confused as to why I asked the question, I open my eyes wide as if to say 'well was it?'

"Yeah, why?" he replies after he sees I'm not about to throw up.

"Why yall got this big ass trashcan in your kitchen? Isn't it supposed to go outside? Yall muh fuckas round here is lazy." I say with much disgust...Gilly waves me off and goes to put the trashcan back.

"Where's Nola?" I question as I walk behind him

"Outside with Fats." he said as he pointed to a set of sliding doors...I go outside, Nola and Fats hitting a blunt in the cold December air, they ask me if I want to smoke, I decline, I had learned the lesson that smoking + drinking = the spins (at that time anyway). I sit down on one of the chairs on the deck and watch them smoke...

Suddenly I got REAAAAAAL hot! I took off my heavy winter leather and sat back down.

"Epitome you need to put your coat back on." Nola says as she looks at me sitting in the cold in a short sleeve baby tee and jeans, jacket on the chair next to me, watching my breaths come out of my mouth cause yes...if you hadn't guessed...it was that cold.

"I'm hot." I reply and turn to get comfortable in the chair by laying the side of my fce on he back of the chair.

"Ma you really need to put your coat on." Gilly says as he hands it to me.

"FUCK YOU! I just said I was hot didn't I?! Shit!" I say as I knock the coat onto the ground (yes....I knocked MY coat out of his hands smh)...well eventually my teeth get to chattering and they say it's time to go back in the house...problem is somehow the sliding door got locked, now we gotta walk around the front...I get up from my brief slumber and follow Gilly around the front of the house, Fats and Nola were behind me...somehow as we walk around to the front, I lose my footing or stumble or something and down I go like a rag doll...straight to the ground...I end up in a pile of garbage.

*nods head* yep...in real life

And what do I do?

I lay there momentarily, Gilly, Fats, and Nola try to get me up but I tell them I feel fine and to just go in without me...eventually they get my drunk ass up...it is then that I realize that the garbage I was laying in was wet from the rain we had the day before.

Yep...not only did I lay in garbage...but wet garbage.

This obviously was one of the lowest points of my life...we went home after that...and when I got dropped off I came up the steps to talk to my mother (yes, I was still drunk, yes, I was 17 at the time, and no I wasn't crazy)

"Heeeeey ma." I say with a grin

"You are so fucking drunk." she yell whispers to me, "Do NOT let your fucking father see or smell you!"

"Okay, I'm about to leave anyway." I say going to the bathroom to freshen up ever so quickly.

"Where you going?" My mother asked.

"My friends said they would come pick me up to go to a party." I say (my friend's called while I was in the car and I agreed to roll).

"I don't know whether to be happy or stop you." my mother said.

I leave...I go to a party with my friends and embarress them with my loud, obnoxious, belligerent behavior and they take me back home about 30-45 minutes later. They took me to get some takeout and I came home and happily ate the food....30 minutes later my brother comes home and I'm laying in the living room feeling like shit already...he comes in and lights a black & mild and it turn my stomach 6 ways from Sunday...I get up and proceed to throw up for 15 minutes...then I went to bed and woke up with a headache from hell the next day.

So what's your story?