A Baby Story

Fuck dat hoe ass nurse! A bitch is in pain about to push a mini human through a hole the size of a glass opening (after dialation) and that heffa is fucking smiling!

"Fuck you hoe! Gimme some drugs!" That's what I would have said.

Anyway, the inspiration for this post is Bella talking about the amount of time she was in labor for her 3 kids which made me think of my labor and delivery story.

Now if you think its gonna be some beautiful story of giving life and whatnot...nope...sorry...yall know me! I can't do shit without some comedy and fuggary involved...so get ready to giggle (my mom is involved in it):

So Sunday, October 12, 2003 I wake up early, like 9am...and I'm mad cause undays have ALWAYS been my sleep late day (I've slept until 7pm on a Sunday before)...but anyway, I get up and there is a giant mirror right in front of my bed (at the time) and I'm sleeping in no shirt cause I was HOOOOOT! Anyway, I look in the mirror and my rotund stomach which usually sat straight out and moved down....wayyyyyy down. So I look at it for awhile, smile cause I know my baby will be here soon (his due date was October 21)...get dressed and go grab some cereal...ate that and lounged around watching the boob tube...couple hours later I feel what feels like very light cramps...like I had gas...I shrug it off, keep watching TV...about 5 or 6 I kept noticing them and they were a LITTLE bit stronger so I think...

"Hmm...contractions?"

I grab a notebook and write down the time every time I have one and they were ALL over the place...11 minutes apart, then 5, then 33, then 20...but I did that for a couple hours then when I saw there still wasn't a pattern, I just stopped writing them down...8:00 rolls around and the contractions are stronger....strong enough that I couldn't really talk through them.

Example convo I had during this time:

"So yeah, what were you going to bring the baby home in?" -my mom

"Oh well I was gonna put him in....*deep breath, deep breath, deep breath* the blue outfit with the little sheeps on it, what you think?" -me

Yeah, I'd just breathe through them and pick up where I left off...did I mention that I hadn't called a doctor yet? Nah, I didn't, I figured I'd call when they were closer together with an established pattern.

So my son's father calls me from work (he worked about 20 minutes from the hospital I was delivering at...remember that tid bit of info for later) we talking and whatnot then he notices my breathing becomes deeper and the contractions are closer together.

"You should go to the hospital." -him

"Nah, I'm good, I'll go when they're closer together, I don't want to go down there for nothing." -me

"Alright, well make sure you call me when you leave." -him

"Okay." -me

We get off the phone, I go up the steps to sit with my mom...I'm walking up the steps and a contraction hit me that nearly made me fall back down the 15 steps I had just walked up, I brace myself on the wall and close my eyes breathing deeply...go into the room where my mother and father are and my mother looks at me...

"You don't look so good." -her

"Thanks." -I said as I sat down on the edge of her bed

"Time her contractions." -she tells my dad

So I'm sitting there telling them when I'm getting contractions....and watching my stomach with each contraction expand and collapse...like with each contraction someone was blowing air into a balloon and then letting some air out when it subsided.

"5 minutes apart for the past 15 minutes." -my dad announces

I call the hospital, speak to the doctor, convo went like this....

"Yes, my name is Epitome, I'm a patient of Dr. so and so, my due date is October 21, I've been having contractions since about noon but now they are 5 minutes apart, I was calling to inform that I'll be coming in tonight." -me

"Oh okay, you can come on in, but we'll probably end up sending you home since this is your first." -the doctor on call

"Uhhhmm...okaaaaay." -me

I hang up the phone and try to call my son's father...can't get through, I tell my mom to call his mother and whoever else cause I had to re pack (I packed it once I hit 7 months...smh...I was PREPARED lol...but in the meantime I ended up pulling stuff out of it to wear lol) So I quickly pack my bag in 5 minutes before another contraction hit and I was on the floor and tell mom dukes to come on and drive me to the hospital...we live 10 minutes from the hospital...my mother is driving...I'm contracting...she's on the phone with my aunt at the time flapping her gums...

"Yeah, we're in the car...yep...5 minutes...uh huh...Epitome what does it feel like?" -my mom (she never went through labor...me and my brother were born via c-section)

She asks me that question RIGHT as I have a contraction...so I'm breathing...little tears streaming down my face from the pain...so I didn't answer her.

"Answer me! Are you okay?! Epitome! Epitome!" -her

"Ma....I'm having contractions...I can't talk during them...just wait a minute when you see me breathing hard...and how do they feel? They hurt...a whole heckofa lot." -me

We pull up to the hospital, she drops me at the door while she goes to park, I waddle in...and it's PACKED in the ER...no one is at the front desk...I'm looking like what the fuck...I'm looking around for someone who looks like they would work there and when I do, in comes mom dukes annnnd my son's father walk in.

"Look who I found outside." -my mom

"How did you get here so fast?" -I asked

Before he could answer a nurse comes up and puts me in a wheelchair, wheels me away and tells them they have to register me.

"I'm pre-registered." -I say

"They have to register you hun, come on I'll take you upstairs....so are you sure these aren't Braxton Hicks?" -nurse (now I was 19 at the time, so looking back they may have thought I was a young dumb black girl knocked up by some absentee father type but uh no, that couldn't be further from the truth).

"Pretty sure these are the real thing." -I say politely though I want to cuss that old hoe out.

"How can you be sure? What do they feel like?" -she asks as she pushes me on the elevator and presses the 5th floor button.

"Well..." I say as I turn around and face her..."it feels like Freddy Krugar has taken his hand with the claw and shoved it in my vagina, grabbed ahold of my cervix and is turning his hand ever so slowly like the hands on a clock." -me

" *blink, blink, blink, blink* well....I've never heard anybody put it quite that way before." -nurse as we get off the elevator...she pushes me up to the front desk on the maternity floor, I sign in, they tell me to have a seat...it's just me out there, and the nurse at the front desk...I'm having contractions by myself, HEAVY contractions...tears pouring down my face...waiting on my mom and (then) boyfriend to come up the steps...as I'm sitting there (for 30 minutes mind you) I see pregnant woman, after pregnant woman leaving...belly still in tact, so I'm thinking oh shit, they gonna send me the fuck home. FINALLY (just as my mother and son's father come off the elevator (the nurse had told them wrong, they sat down there for fucking nothing...ole stoopid bitch)) by this time it's like 11:30...they take me back to a delivery room. I undress, use the bathroom, lay on the bed, the nurse checks me and says:

"4 centimers dialated and fully effaced." (My cervix had opened 4 centimeters and and totally thinned out which is necessary in order for the baby to pass through) -she said satisfied...but I felt damned defeated I thought for sure I would be at the very least 6 centimeters, possibly 7.

"So you're sending me home?" -I said sadly

"No, we're keeping you." -she said with a smile (the first nice person I encountered my whole time at the hospital) "I'll send your family in." -she said

In comes mom dukes, my son's father, his aunt, his mom, his best friends (2), his sister, and her boyfriend...why they all showed up? Who the fuck knows, but in they came...they chatted briefly as I got my IV of demerol (which it took the fucking nurse 4 tries to get my IV in...)

"You should never do drugs, your veins are so small and flip and turn hehehe." -she said

" *blink, blink, blink, blink*" -me

Everybody ends up leaving except my son's father, my mom, his mom, and his aunt...why she stayed? I don't know...but they (his mom and aunt stay outside) so...this is where everything starts moving fast...It's midnight by this point...

So my contractions are MOOOOVING! I'm holding onto the hospital bed railing breathing hard...my son's father starts to rub my back...it hurts.

"Don't you touch me you bastard! You did this to me! I hate you! Don't you ever touch me again! Get out! Get out! Get out! Get out!" -me (he doesn't...he just stops touching me) So then I tell my mother to grab my clothes out of the bathroom and bring them into the room.

She grabs the bag and proceeds to walk in circles...."where do you want me to put them?" she asked.

"Are you serious?! It's 50-11 shelves in here and 4 tables! Pick a place ma! I don't need this right now! Get out! Get out now!" -me (she left for like 10 minutes and came right back)

So she comes back in, I'm holding onto the railing, eyes closed, breathing heavy (that demerol didn't do shit by the way) and she says, "Epitome, your lips are chapped, you want some vaseline?"

"Yeah." I say, eyes still closed...she puts it on my lips..."Why you put so much!?" I ask rubbing my lips..."Why is it so runny?!" I say as I open my eyes. When I open them I see my mother with her hand over her mouth, my son's father has the "oh shit" look on his face. I look in my mother's hand...she's holding a little package...I grab the package...

Yall it's fucking KY! This heffa put KY on my damn lips!

"I saw jelly and thought it was petroleum jelly....sorry." -her

"......GET....OUT...NOOOOOOOOOOW!" -me

Nurse comes in and tells her and my son's father to leave because she needs to check me...they leave, she sticks her fingers in my cooch and just as she does I have a contraction...

"Just breathe through it." -she says as she feels around..."Oh my gosh." -she says just as the contraction subsides.

"What's wroooooong." -I cry

"You're fully dialated...you're about to have your baby." -her

"I am?" -me

"Yep...your water bag is still intact, did you still want your epidural?" -her

"Uhhh...it's paid for...so yeah." -me

In walks the anesthesiologist...he starts running down a list of questions.

"Can't we answer these later? I won't sue, I promise." -me, he laughs

"No, we have to answer them now, before I give you the epidural." he says...he asks me the questions, I answer them..he gives me the epidural....almost IMMEDIATELY I can't feel my feet and all is right with the world....I propose to him, he laughes and leaves, doctor, my mother, and my son's father come in...time to get down to business...I start pushing...in between the pushing...I'm cracking jokes:

"Sorry for keeping everyone up so late...we'll be done soon"...."I really like that shirt ma!" ....."I love you baby daddy."

"I feel alot of pressure down there." -me

"That's cause you got a baby sticking out your cooch!" -nurse says with a laugh

"Oh! can you not put him on me till after you clean him off? I don't want all that gunk on me." -me

"Well we have to, but we'll put down a towel first." -nurse says with a giggle.

3 pushes and my baby was here at 1:13am...born on Columbus day, October 13, 2003.

"Oh my gosh!" -the nurses who were cleaning him off after catching a glimpse of his dack that was laying across his thigh lol

My mother tripped over that big ass light they had to shine in my cooch to see and nearly knocked it the fuck down...

"Please ma! I cannot pay for that! Get it together!" -me as they are stitching up the little tear I received after passing my son through my love below.

And that was that (damn this took long to write lol)