Take Your Pick

So....

Per usual I was having a convo with the wife and she started reading me a blog about a man who blogged about the different types of men out there and I said...

"I'm gonna do that."

And she said...

"You should."

So here it is:

Ms. C.R.E.A.M

About her: Designer duds, handbags and all of that. She can spot a knock off at 15 paces and drapes everything she owns (including panties if she's wearing them) in nothing but the best. You will hardly find this woman shopping for anything at a store chain, she's a boutique broad.

Pick up Locations: Saks, Neimans, Nordstroms, Starbucks

Pros: She's fly, you take her around your boys they'll say she's one bad mamma jamma. She'll always make you look like you are really doing big things to everyone who comes in contact with both of you at the same time or anyone who knows of your relationship.

Cons: She doesn't pay for any of her own shit so she'll bleed your pockets dry...and as soon as she does, she's looking for the next one to afford her the same lifestyle she's accustomed to…more than likely you’re not her only source of income if you catch my drift. Ms. C.R.E.A.M hang in packs, you’ll ruin not only your financial situation but your homeboys as well through the “friend hookup”.

Ms. Too Good

About her: She'll know which fork to use with each course if you go to an upscale place. She can tell you all about Rembrandt and his most famous works and may even own a print of his that hangs prominently in her home.

Pickup locations: Starbucks, Restaurant openings, Poetry readings, Happy hour at the most upscale bar your city has to offer, Museums, Art Galleries, Street Festivals of the cultural persuasion.

Pros: She's cultured, she can hip you to things you never knew about, show you a side of life you never knew existed or never had anyone to share it with. You'll do "deep" things like art gallery openings and museum visits which will afford you “cool points” (I know I took it way back with that one) in any forthcoming dealings with women.

Cons: She's too good to participate in normal activities...a simple visit to Mickey Dees for some last minute din din is out of the question. And movie and dinner will more than likely end up with her saying, "I don't wanna do that"....she's a complainer and in response to most of your suggestions for things for yall to do she will shoot you down.

Ms. Hood Fab

About her: You can spot Ms. Hood Fab (usually) by her name which usually contains an -isha at the end, an apostrophe, a Q, or being named after a liquor (Brandy excluded) and her penchant for Baby Phat/Apple Bottom attire.

Pickup locations: The mall, the projects, the club, strip mall locations

Pros: She's fun...down for whatever and always up on the late night. You don't have to give her much because most hood niggas haven't given her anything but a sore back and a wet spot so any type of gesture you give her that is deemed appropriate for regular women, the hood rat will see it as being 10 times more cute or romantic.

Cons: She's always down to fight, she may have been arrested and has no guilt about it. She will get loud on you in public with the aim of embarrassing you. Finger wagging and neck rolling are her claim to fame. She’s jealous, she doesn’t want to lose her “good thing” so any woman you smile at, even if she’s just giving you your change will result in an argument. She’s a hood rat so you can’t really take her to public functions.


Ms. Baby Momma

About her: She's got a kid...maybe more than one...maybe more than one baby daddy...maybe she's struggling, maybe she isn't, that depends on her situation.

Pickup locations: The mall (especially around the time school starts), Chuck E. Cheese, a kid's birthday party or any other location where children are permitted to run around with no repercussion.

Pros: She's motherly, she has kids so she has no choice but to be. She will cook for you and be ever so attentive to your needs and always down to talk seeing as though she generally has no other contact with adults outside of work.

Cons: She has kids so she may not be able to see you at your leisure, dates will have to be pre-planned so that she can arrange a babysitter and late night rendezvous are out of the question unless the kid's father(s) have them. Also, the Baby Momma may come with Baby Daddy drama...beware.

Ms. Quarterback

About her: She's the girl that knows about sports...she can quote a NBA players stats faster than she can tell you what she likes to do for fun. She has favorite sports teams and not for the reason that their players are cute or she likes the colors.

Pickup locations: Bars...especially sports bars...especially when there is a major event happening (i.e. World Series, Playoffs, Superbowl).

Pros: She knows her stuff, you can sit and have a discussion on what player you think is better and she will give you valid points, you can reference a game from years gone past and she'll know exactly what you're referring to. On game night she will be right beside you cheering instead of trying to get your attention away from the TV.

Cons: If you don't like the same teams, it can cause a rift because this girl is serious about her teams. She's dedicated for life...even if they suck. She may neglect you because she's too into seeing the score...stopping you mid stroke to turn on ESPN to catch the highlights.

Ms. Cabin Fever

About her: This woman is a homebody, she prefers being home than anywhere else on the planet, she’s rarely out and about because she’s too busy loafing on the couch/bed.

Pickup locations: In her front yard, at her mailbox, the grocery store, a mutual friend's party (probably leaving to go home)

Pros: This woman's house is going to be decked with every amenity possible, she spends most of her time there so all her furniture will be comfy cozy, her TV will be the best money can buy, her fridge will stay fully stocked, you will get there and it will be one of the best places on Earth.

Cons: She never wants to leave home, you suggest catching a flick at the theater, she suggests renting a movie, you suggest going out to dinner, she says you should order in.

Ms. Vanessa del Rio

About her: She’s a super sized freak...period.

Pickup locations: Clubs (especially strip clubs), the mall (look specifically in the lingerie section), Sex shops.

Pros: She's a PRO...you will be sexually satisfied in every way imaginable, she will be the best you've ever had and you will be yearning for more. She will open your mind and body to new experiences and new heights of pleasure.

Cons: She's a ho man! How do you think she got that good? You can read a thousand books but it doesn't come to fruition until you practice...she's not only doing you but your homey and probably your homey's cousin.....and maybe even knocking down her own best friend.

Ms. Missionary

About her: This is the type of girl you bring home to moms, she's reserved and soft spoken, she isn't flashy, just a regular girl…at first glance and after a couple encounters you automatically think “wifey material”.

Pickup locations: Grocery stores (she'll usually have coupons in hand), the mall (specifically JC Penney, Sears or some other modest but not too frumpy store), the library.

Pros: She's genuinely a good girl...she's quite the lady and you'll be impressed by her demeanor and automatically think "this is the one"

Cons: She's a prude in the bed...no freakiness whatsoever, no rear entry, no reverse cowgirl, and DEFINETLY no dick sucking. You'll get bored quickly because she only has 1/2 of the saying, "Lady in the street, freak in the sheets".

Ms. Church Mouse

About her: A holy roller unlike any other, girlfriend keeps a bible in her car, her purse and by her bedside. She can quote scripture better than your pastor. Jesus is her homeboy.

Pickup locations: Church, bible study, church carnivals, church bake sales…pretty much anything religion oriented.

Pros: She’s a lady, real class act, she loves the Lord and is devoted to her church…because of this she is automatically family oriented and a woman all about her man.

Cons: You’ll have to endure many conversations about the bible and all of your friends will be avid church goers. No late Saturday nights for you because you are expected front and center come Sunday morning…not to mention the fact that she’s one of two types of church mouse:

1.) The prude…Ms. Missionary more than likely is Ms. Church Mouse…you won’t get much satisfaction in the bedroom.
2.) The freak…all that Jesus loving has made Ms. Church Mouse a naughty little girl…Church Mouse on Sunday and Ms. Vanessa del Rio on Saturday.

Ms. Unattached

About her: She’s the sex and the city fabulous single girl. She flaunts the fact that she’s single like a badge of honor.

Pickup locations: Bars (especially ones that specialize in cosmos and other “fru-fru” type drinks, clubs (not your run of the mill one though, this chica prefers a more upscale crowd).

Pros: She’s single, she’s fun, she’s always down for new experiences. She’s just out having a good ole unattached time. You will think of her when you’re not with her because she’s just so much gosh darn fun to be around and there is no hassle for a commitment.

Cons: She’s not only seeing you, she’s taking her single life as an opportunity to get out and see the world…the world of peens is included.

Ms. Degree

About her: She’s in Graduate school, she’s got her Masters, hell maybe a Ph.D in her given field, she’s young, beautiful and seems ever so unattainable.

Pickup locations: Book signings by a popular professor, lectures on the economy, voting line (not just presidential), school board meetings, home owner’s association meetings.

Pros: Girl is BAD! She’s got her school done, she has a career, her own home, a car, maybe two…she’s successful in her own right…and she did it all on her own.

Cons: If you are not at her level education/job wise (or higher) prepare to hear a barrage of Beyonce songs as the soundtrack to your relationship (Irreplaceable, Independent Women, Upgrade U)…she will let you know (often) that she’s the best thing that could ever happen in your puny insignificant life and you should bow down and worship the shit that she stepped in earlier for the simple fact that her stiletto touched it. On the flip side, should you try to leave she will either:

1.) Say you were threatened by her success and you weren’t “all that” in the first place and place the blame on you.
2.) BEG you to stay citing that you are one of the only men she’s met that isn’t threatened by her success and she knows you’re a good man.

Ms. Damaged

About her: Girlfriend has been hurt…hurt in a major way by a man (or men) who she gave her heart to and he pissed on it and threw it in the gutter.

Pickup locations: Bars…run of the mill bars, she’ll usually be with her friends man bashing, movies…watching a chick flick or a Tyler Perry movie.

Pros: She’s a good girl, she will be ready and willing to give you everything you need in a relationship.

Cons: She’s damaged goods…she’s got more baggage than Kimora Lee’s jet. Everything that’s happened to her in past relationships will be brought up in yours. She will accuse you of cheating, of lying, of seeing the neighbor, of anything that she can think of because she’s never been with a guy who hasn’t done such things to her.

Ms. Fatal Attraction

About her: She’s more than likely a fly type of girl, seems secure in herself, you are drawn to her automatically, but she holds a secret you don’t know about.

Pickup locations: Spy shops, Bookstores (in the self help aisle), Home Depot (in the rat/pest aisle)

Pros: She’s attentive, she will cater to you like nobody’s business, she will make you feel like you rule the kingdom. Home cooked meals, no petty arguments, and mind blowing sex.

Cons: She snaps one day, something you do reminds her of an ex, or something that happened to her in the past…it could be something as simple as not putting the cap back on the toothpaste…she shows her crazy side and you want out…but Ms. Fatal Attraction is not having that. She’s hiding in your bushes, slashing your new girl’s tires, keying your car, popping up at your job etc…Ms. Fatal Attraction is hard to get rid of.

Ms. Bookworm

About her: She’s smart, she may be a college drop out like Kanye but the girl is well read, she’s got a collection of documentaries and books that would make you question your very existence.

Pickup locations: College documentaries, Poetry Readings, Bookstores (usually in the history/philosophy aisle)

Pros: She’s smart! Take her to a sit down dinner/cocktail party and the guests in attendance will be awe of her knowledge on any given subject that’s being discussed, you will automatically win points for selecting such a worthy woman.

Cons: She knows everything. She will correct your grammar and tell you when you’re using a word wrong…EVERY TIME…and she will do it in public. Her main reason for being so well read is to impress others, and sometimes that will come at the expense of you.

Ms. Slick Mouth

About her: She’s quick on her feet, always ready with a comeback to anything anybody has to say to her. She’s witty and funny.

Pickup locations: Comedy clubs/shows, Bars (usually rowdy ones)

Pros: Her feistiness automatically turns you on, she’s a quick thinker and anything you say slick to her, she’ll come back with something to one up you. The chase will intrigue you.

Cons: She ALWAYS has a comeback, something so simple as a joke can elevate to an argument quite quickly with this little hot head. Public humiliation will become routine. Because she always has something to say, you may find yourself having to fight in her honor or hold her back from an altercation.

Ms. Freeloader

About her: Ms. Freeloader and Ms. C.R.E.A.M usually hang out, Ms. Freeloader aspires to be Ms. C.R.E.A.M but doesn’t have the stunning good looks or conniving spirit like Ms. C.R.E.A.M. You can usually spot her by her knockoff attire which will be painfully obvious standing next to Ms. C.R.E.A.M’s authentics.

Pickup locations: NBA/NFL draft, Professional football/basketball games, Upscale bars and restaurants (ordering the cheapest thing on the menu), Parking lots (looking in trunks at a booster’s wares), Flea Markets (in the knockoff section).

Pros: She’ll cater to you, she’ll be loyal to you if you drop a little cash, a trip to Red Lobster will be seen as dropping SERIOUS cash, taking her for a shopping spree with a cap of $200.00 at the local Dots or Rainbow will automatically get you head in the whip. She’s appreciative of what you do for her which is not really that much.

Cons: She’s cheap, you can’t take her in public because everyone will know she’s not really a catch. She’ll become possessive, not wanting her “money train” to leave. You’ll get bored of her quickly.

Ms. Tyra Banks

About her: The girl is FINE. She looks as though she just stepped off the pages of Vogue, her style…impeccable, makeup…perfection.

Pickup locations: Fashion week…specifically Bryant Park, not the side tents, Casting calls for models.

Pros: She is PREMIUM eye candy, everyone will look at her, women will want to be her, men will want to be you. She is an automatic ego booster if you walk down the streets. She will always be perfectly put together, even when you are just lounging around the house.

Cons: She’s HIGH, HIGH, HIGH maintenance. It takes a lot of work to look perfect all the time and you will spend more time waiting on her to get ready than you will actually out on the town with her. She rarely works, or if she does it’s a bullshit type of job, she may title herself as a “working actress” when she’s truthfully not working anywhere but under you. She will feign interest (poorly) in whatever you’re doing, models are notoriously aloof.

Ms. Spoiled

About her: She’s usually from a middle to upper class upbringing and has always lived an extremely sheltered life, she’s been afforded the best of everything, best schools, best clothes…everything is first class with this woman.

Pickup locations: Yacht clubs, country clubs, playing golf, playing tennis, Ralph Lauren store.

Pros: She’s classy, well versed, nice to look at, physically fit, and well read. She will be everything you could (superficially) ask for.

Cons: She isn’t going to do any old thing, she’s accustomed to a certain standard of living, she will expect you to continue that lifestyle. She will listen to everything her parents say and tell her to do, so if you don’t get in good with them or they deem that your “pedigree” isn’t good enough you’re outta there no matter how much she digs you.

Ms. Right

About her: She’s everything you want in a wife or long term mate, she’s a combination of all the pros of the above women rolled into one perfect womanly frame.

Pickup locations: ANYWHERE

Pros: She’s your rib…she completes you, she makes you forget about all the other women you’ve dealt with and all the other women you could be with. She is your perfect match in bed and out of it. She’s the quintessential “lady in the street, freak in the sheets”. She’s loyal and committed to you and only you. Your family loves her and urges you to not let this one get away.

Cons: She’s not easily recognizable, she can be veiled as one of the women above at first glance, you have to actually get to know her to know if she’s the one…which means work for you. She knows she is a good woman and that she is wife (note: not wifey) material, she will put up with a lot from you but eventually she may tire and call it quits…don’t be a doofus with this one and miss your figurative blessing.

Which one are you? Honestly? I know everyone is going to say Ms. Right but other than that, which one(s) are you?

Are there any women I've left out?