LMAO...my mother contributes to so much fuggery in my life. I think that being her child makes me predisposed to ending up in stupid situations like cum farts. Anyway, I will take this blog to go over two of what I find to be the funniest moments in her life...thus far anyway.
Story number 1
My mother had been constipated for like a week. She went to the drug store to buy laxatives, she is sitting at the kitchen table and hands me the pack of chocolate laxatives (the store brand kind)...
"How many it say I should take? I can't see that writing." -Mom
"It says no more than 2 pieces, if it doesn't work in 2 hours take another 2." -Me
"I'll just take 4 now so it can work fast." -Mom
"Nah ma, I don't think you should." -Me
"It's the off brand! I got thangs to do and can't be waiting around on a laxative!" -Mom
So she takes 4...2 hours later, nothing happens...she takes 4 more...2 hours later, nothing happens. She gets mad and goes to bed...stomach still hurting and full of laxatives. The next part I'm about to tell you is what my father told me the next morning...
"It's about 3:30 in the morning and ya momma poots, I tell her, 'don't you shit in this bed!' She say, 'oh be quiet, it's just a poot, them laxatives didn't work', so I turn over trying to get back to sleep, she poots again and then hops out the bed, I turn over to see if she alright and put my hand slam in a puddle of shit! SHIT....IN MY BED YOU HEAR ME! I start yelling, 'I told yo ass! I...told....yo....ass! YOU DONE SHIT IN DA BED! SHIT IS IN DA BED! YO SHITTY ASS SHIT...IN DA BED! I GOT SHIT ON MY HAND FROM YO SHITTY ASS! I TOLD YOU! I TOOOOOOOLD YOU!!!!!"
*side note...never realized how much my parents can sound like slaves...cause all of that ^ is verbatim how he told me*
Story number 2
My mom told me this story, and I bout threw up I laughed so hard. Now for background purposes, my mother smokes weed...heavily, she been smoking since the 70's and paranoia runs rampant in her head...just remember that tidbit.
My mom was home alone, she and my dad are retired and he had left to play golf (yeah, my black daddy plays golf, and my black mom plays tennis...they bougie as hale), she gets out the bed and goes to take a shower. The bathroom she used has a removable shower head...can you tell where this is going? Nope...not that direction...the shower head can sometimes pop out of the holder that holds it against the shower wall, happens alot when you turn on the shower from the force of the water. Anywho, she's showering and the shower head popped out the holder and knocked my poor momma right in the back of the head LMAO
I'll pause for laughter
Okay...my momma said...
"I dropped to the shower floor and held the back of my head and said, 'Lawd, they done got me!'" -Mom
"Out loud? You said that out loud?" -Me
"Yeah fool!" -Mom
:insert laughter here from me:
"What the fuck is so funny?" -Mom
"Ma, who is they?" -Me
"Them! They! You know who I'm talking about!" -Mom
"Nah Ma, I don't know who you talking bout." -Me (still laughing)
"The people that break up in folks houses and rape and kill em!" -Mom
:insert louder laughter here from me:
"Ma, are you serious?" -Me
"I just don't understand what the fuck you laughing at." -Mom
"You! You crazy man!" -Me
"Well what the fuck would you do if that happened to you?" -Mom
"I would have turned around to see what the hell hit me in the head!" -Me
"And if it was them you woulda seen their face and then they woulda killed you!" -Mom
:insert louder laughter here from me:
"There you go with them again. My first thought would not have been, 'they coming to get me' you just crazy...and if it was somebody coming to get you, you was just gonna sit at the bottom of the shower and let them take it?" -Me
"YOU DAMN RIGHT! If they want some old pussy...let em have it...shiiiid, yo daddy don't want it no more." -Mom
"Eeew! You just crazy...'they done got me' like you Scarface or something." -Me
"You just stupid that's all. I be watching them shows...them women be all alone and them men be waiting till they home alone to come in and get em! Yo daddy had left I was here alone." -Mom
"Ma...daddy is 61...who was he gonna fight? You think a 61 year old man is gonna keep an attacker away?" -Me
"Just shut the fuck up." -Mom as she walks away...while I'm still laughing at her.
Peace and blessings!
5 comments:
If i knew you and and you were anywhere near me right now I would knock you rite in your forehead for posting this. Im tryin to be all quiet [sneaky] and businesslike at work and i happen upon your blog and decide to have at it...lawd. If i didnt jus spit out all of my Snapple pink lemonade on my keyboard, laughin my a$$ off. No more I tell u, no more. Hillarious!
oh yeah i read this the other day n forgot to comment. i was DYING. that shit was all too damn funny! my mom never did no shit like that. just one time she got real drunk at my auntie's engagement party n passed out on the couch. i went to check on her but she had disappeared. we were lookin all thru the house for her ass n guess where she was? sleepin on the front lawn curled up with a blanket n sofa pillow. just a droolin n snorin like she was in bed n shit. matter fact ima remind her of that shit tonite lol
I'm just a victim of circumstance...she made me the way that I am. The gift and the curse.
@Chanel...I'll put a disclaimer next time...
"Do not eat, drink, or swallow whilst reading the following post"
U know what I had to STOP reading this post to hurry up & comment. You got me @ wrk probably about to lose my damn job BC IM LAUGHING SO FUCKING HARD. Those fucking laxatives are NO joke, if yo ass dont hurry up & get to the bathroom it will definitely be a mess, trust me I know. & second I can relate to ur mom w the showerhead popping off & shit mine used to do that all that time before I finally got tired of the damn thing flying off. OMFG this shit is hilarious. This post kind of reminds me of a joke the comedian Sommore told on her stand up dvd. Have you seen her dvd? well anywho she took her grandmother to the grocery store & once they were out of the grocery store Sommore realized she had forgotten something inside the store. So they load all the groceries into the car & the grandmother waits inside while Sommore was going to get whatever....so when Sommore comes bk to the car theres a woman standing @ the car w her grandmother bc her grandmother says that she's been shot. In all truth her grandmother was not shot it was so damn hot in the car that the damn biscuits popped open & hit her grandmother in the neck & the grandmother thought she had been shot. SMH LMAO
lmao! "wiping tears* that was to funny!
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