Customer service etiquette 101

I'm blogging from my blackberry so in advance...excuse any typos.

I work in customer service. I explain financial stuff to old people who for the most part have no earthly fucking idea what I'm talking about but I figure one day we'll be old so I figured I'd put some ground rules out here and if you could pass it on to your grand peoples....hey even better!

1.) If you are asked for your name...JUST SAY YOUR NAME! Don't spell it...PLEASE don't spell it with examples for each letter (a like apple, b like boy...) that annoys us and doesn't make us want to provide you with outstanding service like you'd expect.

2.) Do not provide information until you are asked for it. Example: don't give me the reason you're calling when I'm asking for your date of birth! I will ask you that question in a minute. Hold your damn horses potnah!

3.) Please don't get irritated when we ask you a question trying to better understand your dumb ass question. Maybe if you knew proper terms to shit that you own or how the shit you brought works we wouldn't need to ask clarifying questions.

4.) When you call in, do I greet you with a funky ass attitude? Nope, I smile and be all chipper n shit even though I really don't wanna talk to you. Afford me the same courtesy dammit! I sympathize with people who call in with a problem but still act like they have sense. But if you call up in hea acting an ass I'm not gonna have much concern for your little problem.

5.) Do not hang up in my damn face! Especially if I'm being nice (which I always am) and even more so if I'm talking you bitch.

6.) Do not take all damn day explaining yourself, I don't need your life story to solve your problem.

7.) Do not call in on other people's contracts and act all fucking surprised when I tell you I can't give you no info. If you were really smart you would have called and just said you were the account owner....witcha dumb ass.

8.) Don't crack jokes...they are rarely funny and being as though I work in the financial industry I've heard all the 'send me some money!" jokes I can stand for a lifetime.

9.) Do not attempt to flirt....its pointless and not cute...especially if I can actually see how old you are.

10.) Do NOT call in here just to talk...I don't wanna talk about the weather where you are. Frankly my dear I don't give a damn....or a fuck for that matter

11.) Do NOT try to tell me I'm wrong! Looka here nah...you called up to my damn job asking me questions and then you got the nerve, the fucking audacity to ask me, "Are you sure?" or say something like, "That doesn't sound right." BEYATCH! I work here, they PAY me to know the answers okay, if you thought you knew the answer why the hell, fuck, shit, you calling in here taking up my damn time!

12.) If I ask you shit that seems unnecessary, just answer the damn question okay? I need to get my points so I can make incentive, that's all I'm trying to do, no need for huffing and puffing and sighing. Besides, I don't do that shit when you ask dumb questions like, "What is this thing?"....BITCH! Didn't YOU buy it? How the hell you not know what you buying? You might as well had just flushed your money down the toilet.

13.) Don't EVA, EVA, EVA, EVA, call in and tell me....what I'm gonna do. "Oh no, what you gonna need to do..." Oh no bitch, what you gonna do is check your damn tone and lower your octave to bout a three cause right now you at a seven and I'm bout to straight up act all indignant. You catch more flies with honey than vinegar and all that talking out the side of your neck is bout to get you no help at all. As soon as I hear the above mentioned phrase....it's on like Donkey Kong! Besides all that, I got your address on file, do you really want a care package from me after you been ranting and raving? No? I didn't think so.

14.) Don't call in and ask about another company, Lady/Man, I don't work for them, I work for XYZ company so I don't know jack about ABC company...you want info on ABC, call their customer service and bother them...and NO! I DON'T HAVE THE DAMN NUMBER! I'm customer service not damn 411.

I could really go on and on with this topic, but that's the basics, please feel free to share the wealth with others. Us peons in the customer service world will thank you dearly.